How to Deal with Anger

By Kim Lashelle

             I am always searching for another way to handle my own and my children’s anger.  I catch myself thinking that there must be a secret I haven’t discovered or a magic technique I don’t know about.  Why can’t dealing with anger be as easy as throwing your clothes in the washing machine? 

              I think the reality is that the “secrets” and “magic techniques” out there are the ones that I already know about.  I just haven’t really tried them.  I read about them or hear about them but I don’t actually use them.  Oh, I might try them once or twice, but I don’t continue to use these techniques because they aren’t a part of my, or my children’s, instinctive human responses to anger. 

            We all experience anger.  Yelling, striking out physically, and retreating are some of our basic instinctive responses to anger that we come into this world with and, to some degree, leave this world with.  So let’s start by giving our children and ourselves a little bit of a break when we handle our anger in less than desirable ways.  The problem is not that we feel anger or that we have these ‘animalistic’ instincts.  The problem comes when we act on our instincts alone without thinking and then choosing an avenue of expression that is going to be helpful instead of harmful.

            We have all certainly experienced the fact that yelling, striking out and retreating hurts others and ourselves -- yet learning to overcome those instinctive responses is very difficult.  I think the best place to start is by telling yourself that you are going to try to choose more helpful responses to anger at least 25% of the time.  Learning anything new is hard enough without the expectation of 100% success.  Over time, as you gain success using alternative responses, you can increase the percentage of times you utilize those responses.  I would suggest helping your child to set similar goals so that the entire family is working together with the similar expectations of one another.

            I have provided here a number of “secrets” and “magic techniques” for you and and your children to choose from and use.  Some children (and adults) find it helpful to carry a laminated copy of one of these cards with them to refer to in a time of need.  I hope this is helpful for you and your family.  I will think good thoughts for your success and ask for your good thoughts for me and mine!